A Thousand Times

A Thousand Times

I don't have you in this life

But perhaps in another

Did I confabulate these moments

Of being your mother?

I remember it sideways,

In more ways than one.

Have I lost you a thousand times?

And will I ever be done?

There's an ocean inside me,

One I try to ignore

It ripples and crashes

You wash up on my shore.

I breakdown the timeline,

The one that's my life

I try to find what went wrong

I try to cover the strife.

So if I have you and lose you

In the next life, too,

Will I fight like I did?

Will I argue and lose?

Between these twisting times

The ones that always end the same

There's one where I keep you

And see all you became.

So if you're somewhere there

Between my tears and loss

Know that I am coming

That through oceans I will cross.

And if there's one in the thousand

Like a bubble in the sea

I will search for forever

Push through the water's debris.

In an alternate place,

I'm rocking you to sleep.

Your eyes slowly closing,

Love pulling us to the deep.

Because I know you're right there

Within the water's motif

Press my hand through the surface

To the other side of grief.

Katie Lilljedahl | 2023